i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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