two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
