Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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