i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
