Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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