hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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