so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
