so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
