also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
