This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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