guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
