Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
