What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize