I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
