When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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