Betty ford says i'm here all night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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