I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
