guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
