Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize