i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
