I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
