i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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