I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
