White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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