i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
