he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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