I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
