I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
