recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize