ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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