where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize