he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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