the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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