I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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