my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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