Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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