When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I need mimosas to revive my soul
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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