i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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