I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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