I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
