I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm always down for nudity.
Panties = found
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