I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
