i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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