Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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