turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
