I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
