the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize