Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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