Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
