god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
