I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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