Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
