I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize