I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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