Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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