I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
