Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize