mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
