My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
