I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
