Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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