I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
