If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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