No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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