apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
