shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
