ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
