Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
