I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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